AS OF NOW
This is going to be a very confusing write – up/ blog/ feelings …. Whatever you may decide to name it by the time you reach to the end of this whole thing its absobloodylutely okay!
It’s not been easy for me… to get you out of my head… my system and in totality. To be honest I seriously do not want to let that feeling go. I love to hold on to those moments. Which mean so much to me. But on the practicality it is so difficult to function normally, to get back to my regular routine and carry on with the life of mine the way it is and the way it was… I hope for a change… a better one… but then you see, life is such you have to wait… to anticipate… its never like a transaction you did inside an ATM counter. Blame me… for my restlessness… my impatience… there are times and instances when I seek answers and results “Right here …Right now…”
This is perhaps one of the reasons why I intimidate people.
But you are different. With you I tend to lose a track of time … about where I am… about the situation and surroundings I am in.
With you…at least to know that you are there… forget the geographic locations… the miles… just that you are there in my friends list in Facebook…. In Whastapp…and in Instagram too makes me feel close to you…especially when you “like” something I just posted. There is a strong urge to get back to you immediately… to message you because I know you are “online”…. But I restrict myself.
I don’t want to suffocate you… and I have told you this over and times again… but as you know me “in my own times… the I, Me, Myself” times I end up sending you messages which later I feel I should not have sent you. It’s so very me… I don’t wanna sound clingy. I never have been one… especially when I have grown up on my own having lost my family when I was just learning about life. And maybe it’s one of the reasons why I bother you so much… I cannot let you go… I mean I cannot let go the feelings… the ones I share with you. It means so much to me. You give me the wings to fly and explore my own soul.
I wish I was a poet… a lyricist and a vocalist. I’d sing and dedicate all of them to you. But here I am now. Just an ordinary mortal. Who have been through and done that. Who learnt the hard ways of life just by fluke …. Who lost her innocence long long ago when she never saw a normal and a happy family.
But why on the earth I am telling you this!
Sometimes I feel you really do not care and there are times when I feel you do but you are scared to let out those feelings because you have never been in love truly… at least for a decade now?
I always tell you “Do not be cold with me”… I do not know what that means to you…
But I have this uncanny fear… I have to the moon and back and that is what precisely scares the hell out of me…
Sorry state of my life … its messy… my heart… my head… my brains… my soul and everything else that encompasses me… but I embrace that mess with all my might… because at the end of the day that is one and the sole reason which keeps me going.