A Travellerspoint blog

For The Love of Cheese!

For the love of cheese... its one comfort food I can have and not count the cals.
This reminds me of my first boyfriend :)
That was so long ago. I was 16 and he was 27! Our relationship which lasted for three years was more like a father-daughter... I was jumpy and babyish and he was the calm thoughtful and sensible one. At times I'd fret and fume when I compared my relationship with the ones my friends had... they would go out on bikes to Shillong... attend wild parties.... but Mr. Leo was a no bike no party person. He was more into cars. He did take me out on long drives but that was far and in-between. My friends on the other hand always told me I was luckier because I always got the chance to go on drives in different cars!!!

He was affectionate and he shortened my name to Naan... and from Naan to Butter Naan... and finally I was Butter!!! I used to hate it and make grumpy faces....
"I love cheese", I told him once.
"I can't call you cheesy Naan... it gives altogether a different meaning", he replied without smiling.
We broke up when he started double timing me.
I was in tears.
The day his marriage got fixed he reached out to me. This was five years after we broke up.
"I am settling down", he said.
"So?", I asked him. I had moved on in life and meeting him again opened my wounds.
"Do not ever try to talk to me. Ignore me forever", he said.
I wanted to slap him. But because I truly loved him and because he was older than me I changed my mind.
"What do you think? I have a lot self respect and I would not like to play with it. You have shattered me", I said.
"What do you mean by shattered? Did I make you pregnant? For that matter we never got physical, to begin with in the first place", he said.
"Go", is all I told him.
"What?", he asked.
"Get lost", I said and I could feel tears filling up my eyes.

Its a different story that I got married to a family where he is a family friend.

Once he tried breaking the ice.... told me, "At least you can smile if nothing else", he almost pleaded.
I smiled and said "But I am not cheesy. And you asked me to ignore you about ten years ago. This much I can do for you right?"

Posted by incommunicado 21:22 Archived in India Tagged me people Comments (0)

RANTS – Because I have to get it out of my system

Chapter – IV

A lot of things happened in a short time. I got a job which was not for me in the first place. There was a query if I knew anybody who would be willing to work as a counselor for an institute. I thought and re-thought and decided to apply for the job myself. There was a call from the Bosses’ Boss one day; we spoke for a very long time and the next day I was informed I got the job! So that “long telephone chat” was apparently my interview!
So there I was; back in the “work mode” after seven years. It felt good. At the same time I was edgy, nervous and doubted if I would be able to deliver.
The day I actually walked into the office and met my Boss, I just told him one thing, “I need four days off. Technically it’s only two days as because 25th is Eid and 27th is a Sunday. If this is acceptable then I am joining. I do not like lying. I could have easily made up a story for my missed days but let’s be clear and open from day one.”
“Where are you going? Why do you need the leaves?” my Boss asked me, as he sipped his cup of tea.
“Ziro. I am going for the music fest. Everything has been planned and I don’t want to back out at the last moment and ditch my friends”, I replied very assertively.
He thought for a while, walked out of his room to the pantry, which is also the “smoking zone”. He lit a cigarette and looked at me. I was standing near the door.
He extended the packet of cigarettes to me and said, “Do you smoke? You want to have one now”?
“No, I don’t want one right now”, I said and also added a “Thanks”.
I was waiting for an answer. He took such a long time for that.
“Okay!” he said. “You can go. I appreciate your frankness. But do not switch off your phone and internet.”
So that was it. I was happy. No! I was super thrilled.

But my happiness was short lived. One week on to the job and I had a major accident.
It was the regular early morning mad rush. I was making breakfast and I don’t know why and how it happened. I spilled some very hot water on myself, which I wanted to throw it in the basin. Think I lost my balance and the water from the saucepan churned like a wave and fell on me.
The pain was bad. More than the pain I could see the skin coming out and the sight was ghastly. I immediately took off my chain from my neck and my tee too. I had burnt myself badly. Things were horrible from neck down. All I could wear for the next few days was very light cotton stoles o cover me minimum.
My doctor when examined me said, I was taking this matter too lightly. My burns were what he termed as “second degree burns”. It wasn’t burns actually. It was scalding.
And after working from home for a week, I had to go to office one day. It was important and Bosses’ Boss also requested me to come to office for about an hour or so. I was picked up from home and dropped back too. But for the first time in my life I stepped out of my home without wearing a bra! It felt awkward. I was wearing a very loose top and covered myself with a sole. Yet I felt everyone knew I was braless and that made me dreadfully uncomfortable!
I told him the day this mishap happened, “Guess what, I spilled some hot water on myself and things are bad neck down. Its painful. And it looks quite horrifying”.
He was shocked.
“Please look after yourself nicely. I wish I was there to comfort you”, he told me.
Much later he old me, “ I don’t need the skin, I need your soul Nans”.
A few days later he asked me, “Nans, can you make it?”
“Why not?”, I replied.
We still had three weeks in hand and by then my wounds would heal completely.
Its altogether a different story that the ugly scars are still there.

Posted by incommunicado 20:46 Archived in India Tagged landscapes sunsets_and_sunrises people trains backpacking hitchhiking Comments (0)

RANTS – Because I have to get it out of my system

CHAPTER II

I do not see any traces of myself in all that you do. It’s completely alright. I do understand what limitations are. Unlike my own self – when I went out of my way to tell the world what it is like to be a part of you; no matter how short-lived it was. As long as it lasted it was the most beautiful phase of my life.
I found me. I was nervous at first. I hardly remembered a time in the recent past when I was “me”. It took a while to let that feeling sink in. And I slowly and steadily I began to enjoy my existence. I had forgotten what it was to be like me.
And did I ever thank you for that? No? Seriously? I didn’t?
It took us such a long time to make this moment happen. And I think the whole Universe transpired to allow us this fleeting togetherness … it was very much needed.
I stumbled upon something very interesting yesterday and it goes like this – “there will always be a reason why you meet people. Either you need them to change your life or you are the one that will change theirs.” – Author Unknown.
We both have been through hell and high waters in our own separate lives. You have known it all and so do I. There have been times when we were not even in talking terms. I laugh now. That was such a childish thing to do. Now when I look back, yes, it did hurt me when we were not communicating at all. I missed you badly. It took a while but gradually I got over it. It wasn’t easy. But I managed to accept the fact we’d never talk again, leave seeing each other, that seemed next to impossible.
I clearly remember the message you sent me after a hiatus… was it after a year and half?
“Happy Diwali Nans”
That was the first message I read the next morning after Diwali. I checked the message and the sender's name twice to be sure it was you.
I felt vulnerable as I replied you back “A very Happy Diwali to you too”; and after all these years I still feel that way when it comes to you.
So we were back talking. Our conversations were short. Basic. Sometimes there were long intervals of silences.
But as of now I fear this silence. It’s my insecurity? Yes it is!
I took me a long time to put back together a very damaged me… from a very agonizing relationship. It still scares me every time I think about it. Think those damages were yet to heal when we met after five long years of wait.
And as those five days after five years of wait, were nearing an end I secretly whispered a prayer to God, “Dear God, please don’t make the Monk stone cold once we part ways and return to our own respective lives”.

Posted by incommunicado 20:45 Archived in India Tagged me sunsets_and_sunrises mountains people night trains trekking Comments (0)

RANTS – Because I have to get it out of my system

CHAPTER II

I do not see any traces of myself in all that you do. It’s completely alright. I do understand what limitations are. Unlike my own self – when I went out of my way to tell the world what it is like to be a part of you; no matter how short-lived it was. As long as it lasted it was the most beautiful phase of my life.
I found me. I was nervous at first. I hardly remembered a time in the recent past when I was “me”. It took a while to let that feeling sink in. And I slowly and steadily I began to enjoy my existence. I had forgotten what it was to be like me.
And did I ever thank you for that? No? Seriously? I didn’t?
It took us such a long time to make this moment happen. And I think the whole Universe transpired to allow us this fleeting togetherness … it was very much needed.
I stumbled upon something very interesting yesterday and it goes like this – “there will always be a reason why you meet people. Either you need them to change your life or you are the one that will change theirs.” – Author Unknown.
We both have been through hell and high waters in our own separate lives. You have known it all and so do I. There have been times when we were not even in talking terms. I laugh now. That was such a childish thing to do. Now when I look back, yes, it did hurt me when we were not communicating at all. I missed you badly. It took a while but gradually I got over it. It wasn’t easy. But I managed to accept the fact we’d never talk again, leave seeing each other, that seemed next to impossible.
I clearly remember the message you sent me after a hiatus… was it after a year and half?
“Happy Diwali Nans”
That was the first message I read the next morning after Diwali. I checked the message and the sender's name twice to be sure it was you.
I felt vulnerable as I replied you back “A very Happy Diwali to you too”; and after all these years I still feel that way when it comes to you.
So we were back talking. Our conversations were short. Basic. Sometimes there were long intervals of silences.
But as of now I fear this silence. It’s my insecurity? Yes it is!
I took me a long time to put back together a very damaged me… from a very agonizing relationship. It still scares me every time I think about it. Think those damages were yet to heal when we met after five long years of wait.
And as those five days after five years of wait, were nearing an end I secretly whispered a prayer to God, “Dear God, please don’t make the Monk stone cold once we part ways and return to our own respective lives”.

Posted by incommunicado 08:54 Archived in India Tagged me sunsets_and_sunrises mountains people night trains trekking Comments (0)

RANTS – Because I have to get it out of my system

AS OF NOW

This is going to be a very confusing write – up/ blog/ feelings …. Whatever you may decide to name it by the time you reach to the end of this whole thing its absobloodylutely okay!

It’s not been easy for me… to get you out of my head… my system and in totality. To be honest I seriously do not want to let that feeling go. I love to hold on to those moments. Which mean so much to me. But on the practicality it is so difficult to function normally, to get back to my regular routine and carry on with the life of mine the way it is and the way it was… I hope for a change… a better one… but then you see, life is such you have to wait… to anticipate… its never like a transaction you did inside an ATM counter. Blame me… for my restlessness… my impatience… there are times and instances when I seek answers and results “Right here …Right now…”
This is perhaps one of the reasons why I intimidate people.
But you are different. With you I tend to lose a track of time … about where I am… about the situation and surroundings I am in.
With you…at least to know that you are there… forget the geographic locations… the miles… just that you are there in my friends list in Facebook…. In Whastapp…and in Instagram too makes me feel close to you…especially when you “like” something I just posted. There is a strong urge to get back to you immediately… to message you because I know you are “online”…. But I restrict myself.
I don’t want to suffocate you… and I have told you this over and times again… but as you know me “in my own times… the I, Me, Myself” times I end up sending you messages which later I feel I should not have sent you. It’s so very me… I don’t wanna sound clingy. I never have been one… especially when I have grown up on my own having lost my family when I was just learning about life. And maybe it’s one of the reasons why I bother you so much… I cannot let you go… I mean I cannot let go the feelings… the ones I share with you. It means so much to me. You give me the wings to fly and explore my own soul.
I wish I was a poet… a lyricist and a vocalist. I’d sing and dedicate all of them to you. But here I am now. Just an ordinary mortal. Who have been through and done that. Who learnt the hard ways of life just by fluke …. Who lost her innocence long long ago when she never saw a normal and a happy family.
But why on the earth I am telling you this!
Sometimes I feel you really do not care and there are times when I feel you do but you are scared to let out those feelings because you have never been in love truly… at least for a decade now?
I always tell you “Do not be cold with me”… I do not know what that means to you…
But I have this uncanny fear… I have to the moon and back and that is what precisely scares the hell out of me…
Sorry state of my life … its messy… my heart… my head… my brains… my soul and everything else that encompasses me… but I embrace that mess with all my might… because at the end of the day that is one and the sole reason which keeps me going.

Posted by incommunicado 09:55 Archived in India Tagged me mountains people backpacking Comments (0)

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